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hanbanan10687
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Location: Massachusetts, United States
Birthday: 10/6/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: ok this pic is me and tali at prom...she wore pants and i wore a shrug= SUPER COOLNESS! so yeah..interests: dancing, singing, earrings/accessories of all sorts (hehehe), caffeine, music- currently the garden state soundtrack, harry potter (DO NOT poke fun!)relaxing, the cart at the park st T-stop,, going to the wrap, the fanta soda commercials (dontcha wanna?!), jamba juice!!!, the oc, musicals, coning, SNL reruns on E!, i luv the 80's,90s and everything else VH1, going to school from 8-5, finding the perfect balance: between deep conversation and mindless banter, between being a pushover and being a bitch, between being too smart and being too stupid, between saying too much and saying too little, between being open and being private,....socializing, laughing, being hyper, being not so hyper, just livin life!!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
AIM:  hanbanan10687
Member Since:
11/20/2003
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| wowowowowowow.
i think that i just learned that the most valuable insight come from those who dont even realize that they are giving you any insight at all.
i think i also just realized that i am waaaaayyyy more accurate in my perceptions of people than i give myself credit for.
human beings are just so much more transparent than I used to believe. good thing? bad thing? i have no clue....that im still working on.
honestly, wtf, college....w.t.f.??? | | |
| - Mushaboom
I feel like im suffocating.
actually emotional claustrophobia or something. I am in this perpetual
state of anxiousness and i just dont know how to get out of it and i
cant tell if its from overload of work or just being bored or wanting
something new and exciting in my life and...aaahh...well now that was a
run on sentence that really needed to happen....
the thing is, this isnt the first time i have felt this way. I kind of
fall into these ruts every few months and then i write about them on
xanga and it just permeates my thoughts until something happens to pull
me out of it. But i dont want to wait for something to happen...too
passive...i want to do it myself.
I think part of it is this insane inconsistency that i feel like
happens at college. its likfe one day i am so confident in my abilities
and who I am as a persone...and the next day i seriously begin to
question whether i can handle my academic load and the academic
standards and sometime even if brown was the right place for me at
all...and it is...i know it is...but...its just so easy to let
the mind wander to what ifs when im feeling kind of down.
also...i want to go out and do something crazy. not dumb. but crazy . I
am in frickin college and i have not done a sufficient number of quirky
and wierd and silly things to end my freshman year and be content.
Maybe i will never be content but still...i just want to go out and be
wierd because its liberating and thrilling. I know that sounds so
superficial and bizarre...but i just feel like i want to push my own
boundaries and maybe that will elicit some kind of change and variety.
ok enough vague emotional ranting and abstractions (although typing quickly and hitting the keys so hard is quite cathartic)
my life: so i havent written on xanga in AGES AND AGES AND AGES. but
now that I am here...brief update: well the most exciting news- I AM
GOING TO BE LIVING IN BOLOGNA ITALY FOR 6 WEEKS THIS SUMMER-
yipppeeeee!!! I am doing a summer studies program through Brown, and i
am learning Intensive elementary italian and italian cinema (bologna is
famous for its italian film/ movie stuff). Im going to be living in an
apartment with other Brown students, and traveling to a different
Italian city every weekend. I AM SO EXCITED. Before that i have a job
working for the Council on Internation Educational Exchange in copley
square that im pretty psyched about...basically i get to plan lots of
other people's study/work abroad to sites all over the world...its
pretty sweet!!
hhmm what else- well despite what the rant above may imply...i love
Brown. I feel immensely lucky to be here and have to remind myself
everyday to not take it for granted because they basically jsut chuck
opportunities in your face at every passing moment. I have been
pondering my major lately...and right now its looking like a double
major in English and the who know? (sociology perhaps..??) I dont
know...nothing final...just thoughts.
Also, I am on kind of a mental/emotional health kick right now. I have
begun to realize that i always think i can do more than I actually can,
and that well...sleep is actually essential at times , and yes....i do
need time to myself to stay sane. seems obvious...but i have always had
a hard time coming to terms with stuff like that.
and I am dancing about 10-11 hours a week on average...and I am taking
a graham (as in martha graham...most famous modern dancer of all
time) technique class that is SO HARD (but i now have calves of steel
so watch out people because i can legpress any of you to oblivion
muahahaha)
i have met lots and lots of wonderful and intellectual people, and it
amazes me everytime i have a quirky/ intellectual conversation, or
someone makes one of those "smart funny" jokes that people here really
are a unique breed and i like that hehehe. At times that makes me feel
kind of generic...but thats healthy, and its just one of those things
where you are analyzing yourself way more than anyone else is.
well...that is all for now...readers (if there are any of you left) i
am warning you that i literally just sat down at my computer and typed
this entry without stopping or looking over it once...its kind of a
literary experiment....hannah's train of thought- raw and unedited.
...enjoy :~)
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| I love it when people surprise you with a spontaneous display of
honesty and genuiness (not a word i know). I seriously think that
nothing in this world makes me happier.
speaking of honesty...its ironic. this week has been so stressful as a
result of dishonesty...aka my bag getting stolen (yes friends...my cell
phone, wallet etc...all gone...from the dance studio no less!!!!...who
knew providence was so crime-ridden..??)....but then over the past
couple of days i have had random moments of honesty with people that
have made me happy and in a wierd way have grounded me. This is really
vague, but over the past few weeks i have felt like i was losing a
sense of myself, and this weekend has rejuvenated me....so yay. vague
and cryptic eliora-like entry....but yay. 
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| aahh what is wrong with me? who are you and what have you done with Hannah?!
...ggrrr....i hate that hopeless feeling where your in a funk and you dont feel like yourself, and you acknowledge that you arent speaking, acting, thinking etc like yourself, but despite all that, no matter how hard you try, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. bbbooo. | | |
| so its thanksgiving...the first time that i am home for more than 24 hours without feeling stressed and like i need to be back at college getting stuff done. Its an alien feeling. But now that im out of my regular environment, i think im trying to see the changes that have occurred over the past few months.
Tonight, i hung out with a group of new jew kids, and it was SO much fun. There are so many times when im in a social situation, and it is enjoyable, but i can never really define whether or not i would classify it as "fun." but tonight, was definitely genuine fun, whatever that may actually mean. It was like everyone in the room just breathed this huge sigh of relief and let down their guard for a night. Of course we have all been in college for months now and have established a group of people who know us. We can be silly with them, confide in them, in general do all of the typical things that "friends" do. we are way past the inital super friendly "meet as many ppl as you can and make them like you" phase (praise the lord almiighty). But hanging out with new jew kids made me realize that there is still something missing from my friendships in college. Its not something i can change, or something inadequate about the people im friends with. Its the history. this isnt to say that I am a believer in the idea that the length that you know a person for coincides with the closeness of your relationship, but spending four years in the same environment, living simultaneous lives through similar teachers, homework assignments, acquaintances with the same people and the same issues effected all of us in that it shaped us all in similar ways. Not only that, but we all understand where everyone elses personal change originated from because we saw the setting and background behind it. Its like there is a certain quota of extremely awkward and embarrassing situations that I need to fulfill before i can attain a certain level of intimacy with the new people i have met at college. And since i no longer get embarassed/ awkward as easily as i did freshman year of high school (hhooo booyyy the memories)...sometimes i wonder how long that will take for me to achieve...???
yet another random thought process brought to you by hannah....
on a lighter note....the second half of this week was fantastic!!! my workload chilled out for a few days, so i got in a few nights of high quality fun before thanksgiving break. and i saw harry potter. UNBELIEVABLYSTUPENDOUSLYFANTABULOUSLYAMAZING! 
i dont know what it is about the harry potter series...but it just gets me every time. and even though this movie left out some key scenes that i was really looking forward to seeing manifested visually..still..it was a $9.75 well spent (is the providence place mall ripping me off or have movie ticket prices just skyrocketed...what happened to the good old days of 6 dollar movie tickets??).
EDIT: i forgot to mention..i saw requiem for a dream recently, and it was possibly one of the best movies i have ever seen. granted i was hugging my knees to my chest the entire time and i started to cry....so it is also one of the most depressing movies ever, but it is just incredible. The fact that it affected me as much as it did was really scary, but testimony to how good the movie really is.
anyways,...welcome home to all! have a relaxing thanksgiving break full of rest, socializing and most importantly...good food!!!  | | |
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